Laugh Therapy
1. Give a person a fish
and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
14. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days
late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration.
15. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
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New Meds for Women
Dam-it-ol Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Pepto-bimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Anti-boy-otics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Men-icillin Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buy-agra Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-It-all When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JackAss-pirin Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talk-sident A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sex-cedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Rag-aman When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
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HILLARY IN HEAVEN
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you
lie the
hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "whose
clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
As I was trying
to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she
said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her
entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and
said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my
daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated
look on her face. I said, "What's
wrong honey?"
She replied........"What happened to my booger?"
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END